You Can Say No

Under what circumstances might a girl decline a date -- and is that acceptable?

Imagine the following scenario:  He and his longtime girlfriend just broke off their relationship.  He is a notorious flirt who has a habit of casually hugging, tickling and giving unsolicited back-rubs.  You feel uncomfortable about the look in his eyes.

He just invited you to the school dance.

You can say no.

You can say no, to avoid drama with his girlfriend.

You can say no, just because you feel uncomfortable.

You can say no, even if you have no words for the reason.

But you don't need to be rude.

Answer his invitation with the care and thoughtfulness you would if you were accepting it.  Avoid public humiliation, but be true to your feelings and be prepared in advance with answers to persistent questions.  A mantra to repeat may be helpful (I appreciate your invitation, but I cannot accept.  I have other plans and I cannot accept.  Thank you for your kindness; I choose not to discuss it further and I really cannot accept).  This kind of "broken record" strategy preserves graciousness, saves one from dishonesty, replays the message until it is heard and serves to highlight the rudeness of possible manipulation.

It may be appropriate for parents to provide other plans for a daughter, to help her have something honest to say when it is necessary to politely decline an invitation to a date.  Is this necessary?  Not really, but it can allow the young man to maintain his dignity.

We know many have a policy to always accept dates, or at least to accept the first date with any who invite them.  Some have spoken openly about the sabotage strategies girls can use to ward off future offers, if they don't want to be asked again.  Is manipulation, through wearing ultra-tall shoes or otherwise intimidating a young man, better than gently but directly declining an offer?  Is there a way to promote respect for everyone involved?

The fact is, there is a deeper, lifetime value in the freedom for a woman to kindly say no and be able to mean it.

Photos from sxc.hu.