You Can Say No

Under what circumstances might a girl decline a date -- and is that acceptable?

Imagine the following scenario:  He and his longtime girlfriend just broke off their relationship.  He is a notorious flirt who has a habit of casually hugging, tickling and giving unsolicited back-rubs.  You feel uncomfortable about the look in his eyes.

He just invited you to the school dance.

You can say no.

You can say no, to avoid drama with his girlfriend.

You can say no, just because you feel uncomfortable.

You can say no, even if you have no words for the reason.

But you don't need to be rude.

Answer his invitation with the care and thoughtfulness you would if you were accepting it.  Avoid public humiliation, but be true to your feelings and be prepared in advance with answers to persistent questions.  A mantra to repeat may be helpful (I appreciate your invitation, but I cannot accept.  I have other plans and I cannot accept.  Thank you for your kindness; I choose not to discuss it further and I really cannot accept).  This kind of "broken record" strategy preserves graciousness, saves one from dishonesty, replays the message until it is heard and serves to highlight the rudeness of possible manipulation.

It may be appropriate for parents to provide other plans for a daughter, to help her have something honest to say when it is necessary to politely decline an invitation to a date.  Is this necessary?  Not really, but it can allow the young man to maintain his dignity.

We know many have a policy to always accept dates, or at least to accept the first date with any who invite them.  Some have spoken openly about the sabotage strategies girls can use to ward off future offers, if they don't want to be asked again.  Is manipulation, through wearing ultra-tall shoes or otherwise intimidating a young man, better than gently but directly declining an offer?  Is there a way to promote respect for everyone involved?

The fact is, there is a deeper, lifetime value in the freedom for a woman to kindly say no and be able to mean it.

Photos from sxc.hu.

Not A Date

Our teenaged daughter burst through the door from an afternoon practice with her friend close behind.  Before she could really breathe or even take stock of what was happening in the house, her request tumbled out.

"I just got asked on a blind date for tonight!  May I go?"

Her friend had a date and he had asked her to get dates for his two friends, though nobody could say who those other boys were.  My husband raised his eyebrows and suggested that a blind date might mean something a little different.

"What's the plan?" he asked.

The group was to leave in only an hour to attend a jazz band concert at the university, followed by ice cream.  They would be home by eleven.

Because we considered the girl and guy arranging the activity to be trustworthy, we consented.

Shortly before eleven, our daughter returned.

"That was not a date!" she said.

Why not? we wondered.  How did the evening stack up to the Three P's?

There was a Plan, but it was not very thorough -- and arrangements were not made very far in advance.  My sister-in-law says her parents nixed day-of dates out of hand, because they are inconsiderate and are generally not well-prepared.  Part of the reason may have also been that they lived out of town and their family needed to make arrangements; whatever the reason, pressure to go on a date at the last minute is generally a bad sign.

The plan was sabotaged a bit at the beginning, for our daughter was dressed in time but waited nearly an hour for the group to arrive.  When they pulled up, the boys were rushed and were overly casual with my husband -- to the point of rudeness.  It nearly ended there!

Were people Paired up?  Not really.  The boys had nominal dates, but it turned out that four boys rode in the van with the three girls.  The original couple stayed together, but the other three boys sat together on the back row of the van, using their cell phones and discussing an absent girl they thought was hot.  The boys sat together in a row at the concert, leaving the girls to sit in a row to their right.  There was little interaction between them, even as they walked:  the boys hung back and only the boy who originally organized the evening walked girls to their doors.  The lack of civility was so obvious, the dateless boy kept chiding the others to encourage them to talk to their dates!

Who Paid for the evening's events?  The tickets came free.  It sounds like the high school band teacher wanted his group to date, so he passed out tickets in pairs.  The boy without a date had asked a girl who was also in the band and she attended the concert with her mother.  By the time they were ready for dessert, my daughter figured she'd better buy her own treat, but the fellow who arranged the date was gracious enough to buy dessert for all three girls.  That does not sound like a date.

Interestingly, by the time the group arrived at our house to start the date, the others were eating out of fast food bags.  They had already gone out to eat and were still munching when they picked up the last two girls.  This was inconsiderate, since they were both late and eating in front of the girls who had not been included in the dinner plans.

Happily, the music was enjoyable and the evening was both safe and instructive -- but this group activity should not have been billed as a date.

No, this was not a date!

Photos from sxc.hu.

Having a Ball

A few years ago our family attended a New Year's activity in the community in Oregon where I grew up.  It was a stake evening, planned with events for all ages.  Activities included Karaoke, ping-pong, video games, board games and a dance.  We noticed that folks wanted to dance; they flooded into the room when they heard a song they could move to.  Unfortunately, danceable songs were few and far between and most of the tunes were actually offensive.  Few people really knew any dance steps.

One of the organizers had brought a CD of line dances.  We observed that the room filled with dancers when she called for one of her songs and showed the corresponding moves to the group.  As we drove home we talked about our experience and outlined ways to create a more successful event.

Why do we care about dances and what do people hope to get from a ball?  A girl likes to dress up and, practically from the cradle, girls fantasize over spending the evening with a gracious gentleman who wants her company.  My husband assures me that boys like the chance to hold girls in their arms, but they hate to feel like fools.  Dancing can be a lot of fun, if the dancers know how; somehow, though everyone makes the effort to be costumed aright, Prom and other fancy dances consistently fall short of their romanticized expectations of this "essential high school experience."

If people are willing to come with high hopes, why are so many dances duds and what can be done to make a ball into a dream-come-true?  We began asking friends and family members from different areas and varied generations for input and suggestions.

Our conclusions?  Good dances are part of a larger context and some things are essential to create a tradition of successful dances: a core group of committed people who continue to invite others to share their vision; appropriate, danceable music; dance instruction and a chance to practice new steps; and a suitable venue.

We decided we were committed and began previewing and assembling music.  We learned and practiced dance steps at home.  We tried experiments with ward and youth activities and even at a family reunion.  We tried to share our vision.  At last, when my sister got involved, we began to experience what we had dreamed was possible.

My sister rented a beautiful hall near her home for six Friday nights over the next year.  She involved her friends who enjoy ballroom dancing and expanded on the original list of music.  She invested in audio and video equipment and got some fancy serving trays.  She has pored over hours of music and purchased a few appropriate music video clips to provide short breaks during the evenings.  She sent out invitations and came up with elegantly simple decorations and made refreshment assignments.  Then the fun began!

It has taken awhile to make the evenings match the dream, but it is surely happening.  Whole families attend.  Mixers help remove the age barriers.  We have noticed that children in their 'tweens are not too self-conscious to ask anyone to dance and their willingness to learn is contagious.  Even though some of the teens are on ballroom dance teams, everyone benefits from the brief social dance instruction at the beginning: one step is taught each night and that evening's music includes a wide range of songs appropriate to the featured step.

This is a big deal, and not just because we drive two hours each direction to attend.  Naturally, my daughters look forward to each evening, designing appropriate ballgowns we make together:  these events provide the impetus to share valuable homemaking skills.  The bigger deal is that both sons and daughters, regardless of their respective ages, are learning social skills and service.  And, unlike many overpriced school dances, these evenings are fun.

The effort is worth it, as we are having a ball -- even if relatively few people are willing to catch the vision.  Fewer than one in five invited families has ever attended, but my sister and her friends continue to invite neighbors.  My nephew, a senior, participates in the student government of his high school and serves on the dance committee. After helping his mother host a couple of these dances, he tried to share the vision of what the school dances could be like, but it fell on deaf ears.  "You don't know what I've seen!" he lamented.  Maybe believing is seeing.

My sister has remarked that, prior to this, she had never experienced dances that work; now, the example of her commitment is spreading.  Our children are talking of ways to replicate the experience among their friends -- and our ward has even planned a family dance for next month.  Because we have seen it, we know we can make it happen, too.


All photos from sxc.hu.  Tango photo courtesy of Watje11; CD by Cieleke.

Date More -- And Date Better

Dating does not have to -- and ought not -- be expensive.  Our current culture has created the heuristic that dating is emotionally and financially so burdensome that nobody does that anymore!

Real dating is not the Prom On Steroids problem that has become so common in our schools:  a date is a modest arrangement of limited duration where people can comfortably get acquainted in a structured environment; not an all-day and all-night affair requiring a travel agent and multiple changes of specialized clothes, as well as a billboard contract or a skywriting stunt pilot to invite your guest -- and a video team to record the results for posterity.  Really.

Think of Prom as an expensive, over-rated fundraiser and change the rules.

Our children have noticed that the "day date" parts of the school dances are more fun than the expensive dance parts.  Group date activities have included bike rides, hikes and picnics in the canyon, and even outings to the local nickel arcade.  These dates cost a fraction of the total Prom Price Tag, yet provide the greater part of the total WOW! value for Prom day.

Consider what could happen if groups of young people planned two-hour day dates every week or two and considered that the (occasional, expensive and long) school dances were sufficient events in themselves?  We might actually have to overhaul the dances (ideas on that another time).  With inexpensive planned activities, dating overall would improve:  dates would be more fun and within financial reach.  Reducing the financial commitment also reduces the pressure for other kinds of commitment, and frequent outings with a variety of people in the comfort of real-life activities provides better opportunities to get acquainted and practice social skills.

Take your budgeted time and money and date more -- and date better.

One of our favorite dates was when my husband and I made a pie and went on a picnic. It was winter, but we knew of a public place where some Christmas trees were set up with white lights and we took our picnic basket (complete with the KFC special) and dined in the candlelight of a sparkling forest.  We had great conversation and an experience that only grows sweeter in the rosy light of memory.  Another time I met my husband at a park for a walking date during his lunch hour.  I waited as he approached my car to help me out, then turned on the prepared music.  Our outdoor dance together in the parking lot cost only modest amount of creativity. 

Date more.  And date better!


Photos from sxc.hu.  Bike photo used by permission of wookie.