What is a date -- and what is supposed to accomplish?
According to
For the Strength of Youth, "A date is a planned activity that allows a young man and a young woman
to get to know each other better. In cultures where dating is
acceptable, it can help you learn and practice social skills, develop
friendships, have wholesome fun, and eventually find an eternal
companion."
Dating is a time to observe and relate with other people and to improve yourself prior to marriage. In a general sense,
dating is the structure that helps people meet and interact in varied situations which provide appropriate chaperonage -- with the ultimate goal of finding and becoming a suitable spouse. Yes, there is an objective! Knowing your objective helps avoid wasting time and money and makes it easy to see where your personal responsibility lies.
Because "developing serious relationships too early in life can limit the number of other people you meet and can perhaps lead to immorality," leaders have advised to "not date until you are at least 16 years old." Initially, before it would be appropriate to single out a spouse, young people should interact with a wide variety of people in the company of a group. This could include chaperoned activities, dates with two or more couples, and even family events.
For clarity in communication, the following is a list of categories our family uses to delineate appropriate social and dating activities. I appreciate the pattern of growing responsibility and autonomy as an individual matures.
Social interaction is ongoing. It starts when we are young and provides opportunities for parents to to work with children on the necessary skills for interaction with others. Parties, game nights with extended family, and even family dances are some of the ways to help our children develop social skills and grace. My sister commented, after a recent family dance, that having younger children there gave our preteen boys the desire to learn skills while they are still enthusiastic -- and having the parents there modified the silliness of awkward teenagers!
Group activities for young people help them to observe patterns in their peers and give them increased autonomy. Following the example of our church leaders (who have set this age for attending social dances), we generally reserve planned, co-ed, group activities, such as chaperoned parties and dances, for the years after our children turn 14. Since this is prior to the dating age, these activities should not involve the pairing up that characterizes dating.
Dating, which begins after age 16, is a step into peer chaperonage. Leaders have counseled that, "when you begin
dating, go with one or more additional couples. Avoid going on frequent
dates with the same person." We, like our parents, set limits on the number of dates a teen might accept with the same person during a month, and insist that they go on a date with someone else before dating the first person again.
The goal for teenagers is not "to find the One," but to learn to recognize patterns and to get practice interacting with and serving people. Often, the most instructive part of the evening is observing the other couples in the group! I love the time we spend with our children after their dates, when we visit together about their experiences.
Dating involves a formal, though temporary, commitment to another person; it invites respect. Someone has suggested that, to be considered a date, an activity has to measure up to "The Three P's":
Paired up,
Planned ahead, and
Paid for. This guideline can help us rule out -- or modify -- activities which do not qualify as appropriate dating.
Courtship may begin when both parties are prepared to single out a spouse. This is the time when single dating is appropriate -- and the "Three P's" still apply. Single dating allows the freedom to talk openly about personal interests and dreams, to connect individually and to see if the companion is a likely candidate for marriage. Thus, even traveling alone together in a car is an activity that belongs to courtship.
When my husband and I were engaged, he said his car had "an automatic
door -- it opens automatically when the engine stops." Knowing he
planned ways to keep our committed relationship from getting intimate
before marriage increased my confidence in and respect for him. He understood that Society-At-Large can help chaperone a couple during their courtship. Watching a movie alone together in the basement of someone's house is not suitably chaperoned!
Since each of our sons expects to serve a mission, single dating is only appropriate for him after he has completed his missionary service; our daughters similarly may begin courtship dating sometime after graduation from high school, when they are prepared to seek and become a spouse.
Going Steady and
Hanging out don't really fit into any of these categories, unless we move steady dating into the slot between engagement and marriage; hanging out looks more like a dysfunctional marriage. Partly because they
lack appropriate chaperonage and because they erode the natural barriers between boys and girls and usually involve
pairing off early and/or without appropriate commitment, steady dating and hanging out are more dangerous than other activities on the dating spectrum. By expending more thoughtful effort, though, we can upgrade our relationships and our dating efforts to increase our chances for a happy Ever After.
(See https://www.lds.org/youth/for-the-strength-of-youth/dating?lang=eng
and https://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/06/dating-versus-hanging-out?lang=eng.)
(Photos courtesy of sxc.hu. Used with permission of npiggy2.)
