Dances With Pirates

This past New Year's Eve, my husband and I served as chaperones during the early shift at an activity for hundreds of youth in our community at the City Rec Center.  As we drove away, we saw carloads of girls chatting excitedly as they pulled into the parking lot.  I wondered whether their experience would match the anticipation they felt and hoped the boys they saw would reach out to them, so they would return home with the level of enthusiasm they had when they arrived.

The activity was a dance and much more:  several ping-pong tables were set up in the lobby and there was a room set up with Wii competitions.  The Wii room was probably the quietest, since nobody could get the volume to work!  My husband and I and the other adult couples assigned to the room laughed that we might outnumber the teens.  I am not a video game fan, but I enjoyed watching the action.

One of the adult couples in our room had hired a sitter for their children, planning to spend the entire evening at the dance.  They had met at a New Years' dance when they were fourteen and were there for sentimental reasons -- so we must assume that dances sometimes turn out well! The presence of hundreds of kids indicated that they had come with hopes of a good time, but the girls (and guys) in our room might have had a more satisfying experience if they'd stayed home with their own video gaming systems.   

For most of the time, only boys occupied our room -- their parents had probably sent them out to socialize, but that's not what happened!  It did not take long for the most experienced players to crush all competition:  the losers left and the winners battled solo, oblivious to the rest of the people at the party -- including those eager girls who had come with hopes of dancing with a real, live Boy.

The most interesting part of the evening happened during the last forty minutes of our shift:  one station was left open and a group of girls wandered in -- and stayed.  They flipped through the games and selected one, then they worked for more than twenty minutes, trying to get the volume to work.  When their efforts did not bear fruit, they decided to play anyway.  They had chosen a dancing game, but there was no music.

From my vantage point in the back of the room, I could see silhouetted bodies moving on the screen as the game idled, waiting for the girls to begin.  The girls lined up, facing a pirate projection on the wall.  When the game started, they all tried following his movements, gyrating and pattering the only audible sounds in the room -- as muted music and vibrations from a real dance across the lobby filtered in.  We left before they finished their first round, and I had noticed something odd:

Girls treasure a chance to dance with boys -- and if no boys will accommodate, even a pirate will do!

Photos from sxc.hu.  Artwork of John Nyberg, ivy smart, louise Docker, Martin Simonis, and the.

No Ball, No Fun

Imagine a group of boys showing up for a game of pick-up basketball on a Saturday morning.  The teams ebb and flow, based on who shows up.  Everyone knows the teams are not permanent:  everyone wants a chance to play, no matter how skilled he is.  Unlike the drudgery of getting up on weekdays, each boy has arisen early, dressed with alacrity, and found his own way to be the first to arrive.  They return to their homes sweaty, scraped and smiling; any blood or limp is a welcome opportunity to meet a sympathetic ear with play-by-play accounts of how each battle-wound came to be.  Despite having played his heart out, each boy is eager to play again in the afternoon and the evening, if another friend calls with a fresh invitation.

What would happen to this scenario if all available balls were flat?  If everyone shows up dressed and on time, but there is no ball, can the game proceed?  Would the guys be satisfied to play with an imaginary ball, or would they get up early and stay for some different game that doesn't require a ball?

At The Ball, guys, you are the ball.  Like you on the court on Saturday mornings, the girls know the "teams" are not permanent; they just want a chance to dance.  Being chosen is a big deal, and being avoided often causes lasting blows to a girl's sense of identity and self-worth.  Like trying to play basketball with no ball, dances flop without your presence.  And if you attend but won't actively participate, that effectively siphons out all the air.  There really is no substitute for you.

Consider this question:  what is the biggest deal in the life of a girl?  Her wedding.  It occupies reams of paper, as she draws and dreams for more than a decade to decide what to wear, what colors the flowers will be, where it will be held, and so forth.  In significance to a girl, a dress-up dance ranks only slightly behind this once-in-a-lifetime event.  To succeed, these events need a prince.  That's you, guys.

How do men benefit from dances?  I know some men resist attending or participating, but most want to hold girls in their arms, which is an obvious part of dances.  At a ball, men and women have chances to develop and practice social graces, as they invite and accept brief invitations and converse. It's like speed dating, only better:  you have a planned, chaperoned, social activity to do together that automatically limits your contact time.  If things work out well, you have options -- and if things work out poorly, it's over soon and you have additional opportunities to practice.  Can you think of a better system to get acquainted?

What if you feel you are not good at dancing?  Take heart:  nobody was born knowing how to dance, just like nobody was born automatically knowing how to play basketball or to carry on great conversations.  Consider what Michael Jordan's career would have been like if he had given up when he did not make his high school team:  because he knew he was not good at basketball, MJ practiced better and longer.  Coaching, pick-up games and consistent, focused practice on his own helped him overcome weakness at all points in his development.  You can do that, too, with any area in which you feel awkwardness.  Don't be shy.  Dances are practice.  And, like your Saturday games, they can be a great time for everyone.

 Photos from sxc.hu.

You Can Say No

Under what circumstances might a girl decline a date -- and is that acceptable?

Imagine the following scenario:  He and his longtime girlfriend just broke off their relationship.  He is a notorious flirt who has a habit of casually hugging, tickling and giving unsolicited back-rubs.  You feel uncomfortable about the look in his eyes.

He just invited you to the school dance.

You can say no.

You can say no, to avoid drama with his girlfriend.

You can say no, just because you feel uncomfortable.

You can say no, even if you have no words for the reason.

But you don't need to be rude.

Answer his invitation with the care and thoughtfulness you would if you were accepting it.  Avoid public humiliation, but be true to your feelings and be prepared in advance with answers to persistent questions.  A mantra to repeat may be helpful (I appreciate your invitation, but I cannot accept.  I have other plans and I cannot accept.  Thank you for your kindness; I choose not to discuss it further and I really cannot accept).  This kind of "broken record" strategy preserves graciousness, saves one from dishonesty, replays the message until it is heard and serves to highlight the rudeness of possible manipulation.

It may be appropriate for parents to provide other plans for a daughter, to help her have something honest to say when it is necessary to politely decline an invitation to a date.  Is this necessary?  Not really, but it can allow the young man to maintain his dignity.

We know many have a policy to always accept dates, or at least to accept the first date with any who invite them.  Some have spoken openly about the sabotage strategies girls can use to ward off future offers, if they don't want to be asked again.  Is manipulation, through wearing ultra-tall shoes or otherwise intimidating a young man, better than gently but directly declining an offer?  Is there a way to promote respect for everyone involved?

The fact is, there is a deeper, lifetime value in the freedom for a woman to kindly say no and be able to mean it.

Photos from sxc.hu.

Not A Date

Our teenaged daughter burst through the door from an afternoon practice with her friend close behind.  Before she could really breathe or even take stock of what was happening in the house, her request tumbled out.

"I just got asked on a blind date for tonight!  May I go?"

Her friend had a date and he had asked her to get dates for his two friends, though nobody could say who those other boys were.  My husband raised his eyebrows and suggested that a blind date might mean something a little different.

"What's the plan?" he asked.

The group was to leave in only an hour to attend a jazz band concert at the university, followed by ice cream.  They would be home by eleven.

Because we considered the girl and guy arranging the activity to be trustworthy, we consented.

Shortly before eleven, our daughter returned.

"That was not a date!" she said.

Why not? we wondered.  How did the evening stack up to the Three P's?

There was a Plan, but it was not very thorough -- and arrangements were not made very far in advance.  My sister-in-law says her parents nixed day-of dates out of hand, because they are inconsiderate and are generally not well-prepared.  Part of the reason may have also been that they lived out of town and their family needed to make arrangements; whatever the reason, pressure to go on a date at the last minute is generally a bad sign.

The plan was sabotaged a bit at the beginning, for our daughter was dressed in time but waited nearly an hour for the group to arrive.  When they pulled up, the boys were rushed and were overly casual with my husband -- to the point of rudeness.  It nearly ended there!

Were people Paired up?  Not really.  The boys had nominal dates, but it turned out that four boys rode in the van with the three girls.  The original couple stayed together, but the other three boys sat together on the back row of the van, using their cell phones and discussing an absent girl they thought was hot.  The boys sat together in a row at the concert, leaving the girls to sit in a row to their right.  There was little interaction between them, even as they walked:  the boys hung back and only the boy who originally organized the evening walked girls to their doors.  The lack of civility was so obvious, the dateless boy kept chiding the others to encourage them to talk to their dates!

Who Paid for the evening's events?  The tickets came free.  It sounds like the high school band teacher wanted his group to date, so he passed out tickets in pairs.  The boy without a date had asked a girl who was also in the band and she attended the concert with her mother.  By the time they were ready for dessert, my daughter figured she'd better buy her own treat, but the fellow who arranged the date was gracious enough to buy dessert for all three girls.  That does not sound like a date.

Interestingly, by the time the group arrived at our house to start the date, the others were eating out of fast food bags.  They had already gone out to eat and were still munching when they picked up the last two girls.  This was inconsiderate, since they were both late and eating in front of the girls who had not been included in the dinner plans.

Happily, the music was enjoyable and the evening was both safe and instructive -- but this group activity should not have been billed as a date.

No, this was not a date!

Photos from sxc.hu.

Having a Ball

A few years ago our family attended a New Year's activity in the community in Oregon where I grew up.  It was a stake evening, planned with events for all ages.  Activities included Karaoke, ping-pong, video games, board games and a dance.  We noticed that folks wanted to dance; they flooded into the room when they heard a song they could move to.  Unfortunately, danceable songs were few and far between and most of the tunes were actually offensive.  Few people really knew any dance steps.

One of the organizers had brought a CD of line dances.  We observed that the room filled with dancers when she called for one of her songs and showed the corresponding moves to the group.  As we drove home we talked about our experience and outlined ways to create a more successful event.

Why do we care about dances and what do people hope to get from a ball?  A girl likes to dress up and, practically from the cradle, girls fantasize over spending the evening with a gracious gentleman who wants her company.  My husband assures me that boys like the chance to hold girls in their arms, but they hate to feel like fools.  Dancing can be a lot of fun, if the dancers know how; somehow, though everyone makes the effort to be costumed aright, Prom and other fancy dances consistently fall short of their romanticized expectations of this "essential high school experience."

If people are willing to come with high hopes, why are so many dances duds and what can be done to make a ball into a dream-come-true?  We began asking friends and family members from different areas and varied generations for input and suggestions.

Our conclusions?  Good dances are part of a larger context and some things are essential to create a tradition of successful dances: a core group of committed people who continue to invite others to share their vision; appropriate, danceable music; dance instruction and a chance to practice new steps; and a suitable venue.

We decided we were committed and began previewing and assembling music.  We learned and practiced dance steps at home.  We tried experiments with ward and youth activities and even at a family reunion.  We tried to share our vision.  At last, when my sister got involved, we began to experience what we had dreamed was possible.

My sister rented a beautiful hall near her home for six Friday nights over the next year.  She involved her friends who enjoy ballroom dancing and expanded on the original list of music.  She invested in audio and video equipment and got some fancy serving trays.  She has pored over hours of music and purchased a few appropriate music video clips to provide short breaks during the evenings.  She sent out invitations and came up with elegantly simple decorations and made refreshment assignments.  Then the fun began!

It has taken awhile to make the evenings match the dream, but it is surely happening.  Whole families attend.  Mixers help remove the age barriers.  We have noticed that children in their 'tweens are not too self-conscious to ask anyone to dance and their willingness to learn is contagious.  Even though some of the teens are on ballroom dance teams, everyone benefits from the brief social dance instruction at the beginning: one step is taught each night and that evening's music includes a wide range of songs appropriate to the featured step.

This is a big deal, and not just because we drive two hours each direction to attend.  Naturally, my daughters look forward to each evening, designing appropriate ballgowns we make together:  these events provide the impetus to share valuable homemaking skills.  The bigger deal is that both sons and daughters, regardless of their respective ages, are learning social skills and service.  And, unlike many overpriced school dances, these evenings are fun.

The effort is worth it, as we are having a ball -- even if relatively few people are willing to catch the vision.  Fewer than one in five invited families has ever attended, but my sister and her friends continue to invite neighbors.  My nephew, a senior, participates in the student government of his high school and serves on the dance committee. After helping his mother host a couple of these dances, he tried to share the vision of what the school dances could be like, but it fell on deaf ears.  "You don't know what I've seen!" he lamented.  Maybe believing is seeing.

My sister has remarked that, prior to this, she had never experienced dances that work; now, the example of her commitment is spreading.  Our children are talking of ways to replicate the experience among their friends -- and our ward has even planned a family dance for next month.  Because we have seen it, we know we can make it happen, too.


All photos from sxc.hu.  Tango photo courtesy of Watje11; CD by Cieleke.

Date More -- And Date Better

Dating does not have to -- and ought not -- be expensive.  Our current culture has created the heuristic that dating is emotionally and financially so burdensome that nobody does that anymore!

Real dating is not the Prom On Steroids problem that has become so common in our schools:  a date is a modest arrangement of limited duration where people can comfortably get acquainted in a structured environment; not an all-day and all-night affair requiring a travel agent and multiple changes of specialized clothes, as well as a billboard contract or a skywriting stunt pilot to invite your guest -- and a video team to record the results for posterity.  Really.

Think of Prom as an expensive, over-rated fundraiser and change the rules.

Our children have noticed that the "day date" parts of the school dances are more fun than the expensive dance parts.  Group date activities have included bike rides, hikes and picnics in the canyon, and even outings to the local nickel arcade.  These dates cost a fraction of the total Prom Price Tag, yet provide the greater part of the total WOW! value for Prom day.

Consider what could happen if groups of young people planned two-hour day dates every week or two and considered that the (occasional, expensive and long) school dances were sufficient events in themselves?  We might actually have to overhaul the dances (ideas on that another time).  With inexpensive planned activities, dating overall would improve:  dates would be more fun and within financial reach.  Reducing the financial commitment also reduces the pressure for other kinds of commitment, and frequent outings with a variety of people in the comfort of real-life activities provides better opportunities to get acquainted and practice social skills.

Take your budgeted time and money and date more -- and date better.

One of our favorite dates was when my husband and I made a pie and went on a picnic. It was winter, but we knew of a public place where some Christmas trees were set up with white lights and we took our picnic basket (complete with the KFC special) and dined in the candlelight of a sparkling forest.  We had great conversation and an experience that only grows sweeter in the rosy light of memory.  Another time I met my husband at a park for a walking date during his lunch hour.  I waited as he approached my car to help me out, then turned on the prepared music.  Our outdoor dance together in the parking lot cost only modest amount of creativity. 

Date more.  And date better!


Photos from sxc.hu.  Bike photo used by permission of wookie.